challenged.

friends, i am currently in the midst of a challenge.
this challenge has been with me since january.
this challenge was unexpected and, to be honest, unwelcomed.
this challenge has made me question my ability to teach and forced me to examine my patience and love towards others.

this challenge is a six-year-old girl.

as i type and re-read that, i feel like i should just turn in my teaching credential because i don't like feeling this way towards a child. as a teacher, isn't it my job to educate, nurture, support, build up and motivate every young person that enters my door? my challenge lies in the fact that i want to throw up my hands and move on in each of those areas. i want to give up on educating, nurturing, supporting, building up and motivating this one young person.

and that makes me feel a little sick in my stomach.
but it's how i feel.
and i'm having trouble reconciling these two competing trains of thought.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i suppose i should back-up a little bit to fill you in. in december of this school year, my principal came to me and mentioned a situation with a colleague of mine and a student in her class (this is the student). the mother was unhappy with my colleague for a variety of reasons and requested a transfer. at the time, i had an opening in my class and i was informed that, come january, this student would be a part of my class.
i'd heard a lot about this student from my colleague and, sadly, was expecting the worst based on her horror stories. i decided, over the winter vacation, to put aside what i'd heard and i would try be the best darn teacher this girl ever had. i would support her and do all the things my colleague neglected to do.
january rolled around and this student joined my class. as with any new student(s), the first days and weeks are good...everyone is still feeling each other out and we're all on our best behavior (teachers, included). and in those idealized early days, i made the effort to be whatever this child needed. i supported, made modifications and 'cut her some slack' because she was new to life in b-07.
that was in january.
in the last five (!) months, i have not kept my promise to myself and this student. i have let myself fall into a pattern of indifference, frustration and negative feedback. i have allowed the behavior of one child affect the way i interact with the rest of my students and change the dynamics we had from september to december.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

at this point in the year, with four short weeks to go, i have been reflecting on this past year, specifically in regards to my teaching and interacting with my students.
this reflection was initiated by a comment made in passing by my husband.
a few days ago, during one of our long-distance phone conversations where i was 'discussing' (also known as: complaining) about my day, he mentioned that my attitude towards teaching had changed since she came into b-07. he recalled early in the year when i was excited about the possibilities of these little scholars and all of the growth we would make during this first grade year.
after we hung up, i sat for awhile and considered what he said. i agreed with everything he said but i was, and still am, caught up in how to make it better. admitting defeat and throwing up my hands is not what i'm about - i am a planner, a finisher, a nagger - and i keep going until something is done.
with this student, i feel like i am still trying to break ground and get the ball rolling. academically, she is unmotivated, cannot complete work independently, and needs constant reminders to stay on task. socially, she is used to being babied, bullies other students and does not respect my authority.
this child has been tested for learning difficulties and, based on the numerous tests and reports from our school psychologist and resource teacher, did not qualify for any additional services. this child is capable of reading - but won't participate. this child does not listen during lessons and then misses problems on tests. this child is so capable...but doesn't use all of the skills and resources she has available to her.
it literally makes me want to bang my head on a wall or kidney-shaped table.

here comes the point in this rambling where i appeal to you, blog friends. this post would be super depressing if i just left it with all these negative feelings and defeatist attitudes. my question for you is this:
how can you motivate a seemingly unmotivated child to want to learn?

it's a big question, i know. and it is one i have been wrestling with for the last few months. i don't know of all your experiences, but maybe some of you know about children like this. maybe you have worked with a child like this, or a sibling of yours was a child like this or maybe even you were a child like this? :)

this young girl is being 'passed on' to second grade for some incredibly stupid reasons that are completely out of my control. and, as long as she is a super cheetah in my class, i feel like i need to do whatever i can. but my bag of tricks is just about empty.

thanks to you who read this long-winded ramble. and extra thanks to those who can offer a word of advice or something.

happy monday/week to you all. i am off to bed to prepare for another busy, but hopefully less challenging, day with my little scholars. :)

quiet

it's been quiet here at 'golly gee'.
i wish i had a good reason.
maybe it's because my school blocks blogger (boo!).
maybe it's because matt's been gone a lot and i throw myself a pity party.
maybe it's because we've had a lot of potential options on our plate.
maybe it's because i'm currently copping out and using twitter.
maybe it's because...who knows?

what i do know is that i miss this community.
this sharing about my life with friends (and even some strangers).
this opportunity to connect when i'm on my own.
this place to vent...when the need arises. ;)

in my 'usual style', here is a list of things going on in my/our world:
*we were going to move to boise, then it fell through and now we are in the process of buying a house in ca(crazy!!!)
*speaking of houses (none of which we own) - home depot of now our new bff...i'm scared to think of how much time we will spend there once we are actually homeowners
*matt's gone...again - basically, it kind of sucks but i'm trying to keep a positive perspective by focusing on the free hotel points and lots of air miles - now we just need to be in the same country long enough to goon vacation :)
*23 days left of school - i'm both excited for summer and sad to see this group of kiddos off to second grade
*attempting to validate and put my subscription to shape magazine to good use...still a work in progress but this exercise thing is getting a little easier

with matt gone, i should utilize this opportunity to hoard our one surviving computer and keep this blog relevant and updated. i should use this quiet and 'solo' time to reflect and think and write down whatever pops into my mind.

perhaps this is wishful thinking...but i'm motivated to try. :)

happy monday to you all.

bee-oh-seven

when matt's away, i tend to be even more of a workaholic than i normally am.
the way i see it - i could stay in my classroom and get more things done, or go home, veg and be alone. sure...some days require a good amount of vegging. but, in my opinion, my work is never done - there is always something to be done in good old b-07.
spending so much time there 'after hours' gives me time to reflect on my days and chuckle at how cute/crazy/frustrating my kiddos can be. since it is my home away from home, i figured i'd share some pictures of my super cheetahs.

here is a picture of our little learning environment. i am a geek and i love being able to decorate my room with the brightest colors i can find. shopping for new borders, colored paper and fun posters makes me happy. it's official - i am meant to be a teacher. :) being surrounded by so much color keeps me awake and cheery...even on those gloomy and cloudy days. how can you not smile looking at all of those beautiful colors? :)

also...we met sharkie (see below)! i signed my class up for a reading program that asks teachers to send in the number of books their class read in a given month. in january, my cheetahs were one of the top ten classes in our area. their reward was a visit from sharkie, the mascot for the san jose sharks. here's a summary of his visit: two girls were crying and hiding behind me because they were afraid of him and sharkie got all of the kids riled up (not good for a monday morning!!!). oh yeah - and he stood on a chair, jumped over the desks and pounded on the door for a good 2 minutes. these are major no-no's in b-07, so sharkie's visit did give me an opportunity to review the rules (and how our visitor broke them). anyways, in all of the tears and craziness, we were only able to get one picture of us with our special guest. so, while it was fun to recognize the students for their awesome reading, i don't know if sharkie will be back for a return visit. (yes...he is eating my head.)

last, but certainly not least, i wanted to share something that was given to me on valentine's day - something that made me smile and attempt to muffle a laugh. a very sweet and thoughtful student made me a book all about love, which she read to me after school. i could not see each page, so i was listening as she told me all about the wonders of love. this page (below) caught me off guard.

for those of you who can't make it out, that says: 'this is makeing love'. as i placed my valentine's day gifts in a bag, i heard these words coming from the mouth of a six year old and i just had to laugh. yes, i know, i am a bad person with a dirty mind - but at the time, it was hilarious. i think i was able to let her finish and say thank you as she left for the day - and then i immediately had to document these words of love and the making of love.

happy weekend to you all. :)

excuses, excuses

greetings friends and fellow bloggers.
are you ready for the laundry list of excuses as to why i have not even looked at my blog in the last 2+ months?
well...i don't even know where to begin. so instead of talk about how busy we've been (at times), how tiring work has been (at times) and how i've felt a bit challenged (at times) - i'll just say that i'm fine and dandy.
sure, there are some things that i'd like to fix/change about my day-to-day life. but i just can't bring myself to complain and i think that's why i've strayed away from old 'golly gee'.
i'm not sure if this mentality plagues any of you, but sometimes i find it's just easier to use this online forum as a place to air grievances or to 'let it out' when i've had a hard day. after thinking about this tendency to complain, i've decided that it is not who i am and what i want to 'put out there'.
in all honesty, my life is pretty gosh darn amazing.
i have a sweet husband, a great family, a rewarding (and often hilarious) job, many wonderful friends and a happy and comfortable life. i want my posts to reflect who i am most of the time...not just me on my worst days.

in the interest of reveling in the happiness and joy in my life, here are some things that are putting a smile on my face:
*memories of a recent trip to the coast with my wonderful husband (courtesy of his very generous company). whale-watching (kind of...is it still whale-watching if you only see a hint of a whale?), yummy dinners, fireside snuggles, leisurely bike rides, ocean views...sigh. matt being gone all the time is not ideal...but a free weekend get-away is a nice consolation.
*time (face-to-face and phone) with my family - so lucky to have them close enough to visit. :)
*my 1st grade kiddos are reading like crazy! so crazy, in fact, that they were one of the top ten classes in a reading contest in our area. on monday morning, room b-07 will be visited by sharkie, who will praise them for all of their stellar reading. it will be a fun/crazy 15 minutes - and i'll try to get some pictures of the super cheetahs attacking the poor man in the shark costume.
*new tv on dvd via our good friends (both real friends and our friend named netflix) - some of our new faves include flight of the conchords (hilarious!), how i met your mother (who knew cbs had funny tv for young people?) and the wire (very serious....but so good).
*snail mail - including some sweet cards from family/friends and a wedding announcement of a dear old friend. congrats katie! (if you still read this).
*being on a little vacation. i'd like to give a shout out to my old friends George and Abraham for being born and having your birthdays recognized. also, thanks to the nice people at the district office who decided we get a whole week off. i appreciate it greatly.
*finalizing/making plans for our upcoming vacations -- vancouver in march and the u.k. in june! yippee!
*the stew currently cooking up in our crock pot. yum, yum, yum. my husband quoted a great man who spoke fondly of stew: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. There’s still plenty of meat on that bone. Now you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato. Baby, you’ve got a stew going." -- anyone care to hazard a guess who said these wise words?

matt just got home, so now our evening can begin. what are you doing you might (but probably won't) ask? well...we're about to upload turbo tax and have a super awesome night of stew, brew and taxes.
yeah...my life is pretty great. :)
happy thursday/weekend to you all.

goodness

this week has been full of goodness. :)
and, when goodness abounds, you just have to share it and spread it around.

here are some goodies...
*enjoying season four of gilmore girls - including swoons, laughs and repeat viewings of my favorite moments/scenes :)
*talking to matt on the phone - it's worth the $3/minute (yay for expense reports) :)
*spending the past weekend with my sister - and reaffirming that she is so neat and i am so blessed to not just be her friend but her family, too
*singing at the top of my lungs and jumping up and down like a teenager at the jimmy eat world show last weekend
*baking my mom's festive and delicious chocolate mint cookies
*thinking fondly of my family and getting excited to see them soon for christmas
*watching one of my favorite kiddos from last year break-dance in the holiday show (random, i know)
*congratulating the break-dancing wonder and his cute and modest reaction
*wearing cute work outfits - shallow, i know - but looking okay makes me feel okay :)
*spending some rare social time with co-workers (at yummy macaroni grill)
*getting to know a co-worker better - maybe he and his wife will be our friends? :)
*listening to holiday tunes on pandora.com
*practicing the 'reindeer pokey' for the holiday show
*laughing along with my kiddos when they put their 'tail' in and out - too funny!
*making blankies for our family members - 1/2 down, 5 1/2 to go (i will finish!)
*administering a state test to my kiddos and finding that they're learning (!!!!!)

i hope this week ends on a high note for you all. :)
happy friday, friends.

mega-post

life is...full.
full of mostly wonderful things. :)
and a few bummer things. :(
everything going on in this full life of ours could (and should) be it's own post. but lack of time/motivation/words means they will instead be lumped together, into what i will call a mega-post. here goes nothing...

wonderful thing #1: things within the four walls of my classroom are great. the students are just swell. they are bright, sweet, eager, inquisitive, hilarious. sure...i have moments/days when i wonder why i subject myself to six-year-olds. but then...there are the days (more often than not) when it's all worthwhile. i'm definitely enjoying this second time around and look forward to the months to come with my super cheetahs. :)

wonderful thing #2: my sister kaitlin is coming tomorrow to spend a few days with lonely lil' me (more on that in bummer #1). she going to come by my school and hang out with the kiddos and i. and then, she is accompanying me to a concert in the 'big city' where i can see a few of my favorite bands. my mom and pop are super-duper generous and asked if we wanted to stay in the city for the night and sprung for a hotel. i'm super excited to spend more time with her and enjoy some city wandering, shopping and whatever else we feel like.

wonderful thing #3: we are 99.9% done with our holiday shopping. it's kind of nice to have (almost) everything purchased and ready to be packaged/put together. i am making cozy fleece blankets for family members, so i have yards and yards of fabric to cut, snip and tie. easy to do..i just need to do it. :) here are some samples of the fleece-y goodness i'll be working with.



wonderful thing #4: i have been extremely lucky lately - in the give-away sense. at a new teacher event, i won a drawing for a basket of holiday, classroom and edible goodies. it was just a little something...but exciting. motivated by my brief lucky streak, i left a comment on this blog to win an apron she was generously giving away. and...lo and behold...i was the lucky winner and am now the very proud owner of this darling apron:



i even used it tonight to make some delicious cranberry-orange pinwheel sugar cookies. yum, yum, yum. i love cookies...especially when they are mixed and baked while wearing cute clothing protection.




wonderful thing #5: it's starting to kind of feel like something resembling winter -- and i am loving every second of it. i know it bums out some people...but cool, overcast days with a chill in the air energize me.


bummer thing #1: matt is working in south korea again. he's gone until december 21st - but will be back in time for christmas. then, he's off to korea again to finish their project on the 27th of december. it's not fun having him gone...but, on the bright side, his company offered some 'cash an prizes' for those who have to go. basically, the company will pay for us to go on a trip wherever we want, whenever we want. i think it will be an okay trade-off, especially since we're looking in to heading to europe. :)

bummer #2: while my classroom is a positive environment, the climate at my school is growing increasingly negative. in short, teachers in my district don't have a contract for this year and are trying to increase the salary scale and improve the benefits packages. negotiation meetings have been unsuccessful and unproductive - due to 'error' on both sides. with all of this going on, there have been rumblings of striking amongst teaching staff district-wide.
during conversations on this topic, i shared that i would not strike. i am not alone in my desire to continue working. since i (and a few others) have indicated our intentions, things between strike-supporters and non-strike-supporters have been awkward and just plain petty. another teacher in my grade-level has criticized me in front of our grade-level team and, in the last few days, has practically stopped speaking to me directly because of how strongly she feels about supporting the decisions of the union. while i respect and understand her point of view, i do not respect or understand how my personal opinion gives her the right to treat me the way she is. being the people-pleasing, emotion-prone person i am, this has been hard for me to handle but i'm trying to stay positive and not let it get to me (i'll let you know when that finally happens). :)
i realize that i should probably care more about the decisions and negotiations of the union and the district. however, at this point in my career, i am just happy to have a consistent and well-paying job (for teaching, at least), supportive colleagues (most of the time) and a pretty neat group of students to mold and motivate. :) my hope is that this matter is settled soon - either with a set contract or a definite strike - so things can go back to how they were.
***long and rambling soapbox moment for those who care: i got in to teaching because i want to support children, plain and simple. the students in my district come from families with incomplete educations, limited options and the challenge of adjusting to life in the united states. i feel honored to be in a position where i can help these students to recognize alternative options and motivate them (even at age 6) to dream big and work hard for whatever they want in life. my students are my primary concern and i will do what i need to do in order to support them and help them learn. if that means working with students after school (without the promise of $$$ compensation), so be it. if that means staying late to prepare materials and plan a little bit extra, so be it. if i were to strike, i feel that i would be depriving my students of opportunities to learn. sure, they could hear the information from a substitute, but i feel that my presence in the classroom is beneficial to them and that the ways that i structure and plan things can help them achieve success. my focus is my students. and sometimes, i recognize that i sometimes put their needs above my own (which i need to work on) - but i feel like what i do matters and i want to do it the best i can and put in my best effort. okay...end of soapboxing rant.***

okay...that tuckered me out.
i am off to bed to rest up for another busy day with my kiddos.
i'm hoping for the kind of day that can build on the wonderful things.
with all the fun coming up...i think my chances are pretty good.
:)

self

my body and mind are still in 'vacation' mode and i should be forcing myself into bed so i start this week on a well-rested note. however, this aforementioned mind of mine is swirling with all kinds of thoughts. and since my husband is in minnesota for work and it is too late to call someone...here i am. in the interest of going to bed soon-ish and (hopefully) clearing my mind, i'll attempt brevity.
for as long as i can remember, i just wanted to be a good kid/student/daughter/sister/friend. i'm not sure where it came from...but it was just there. as i grew older, my desire to be 'good' remained, but took on more meaning as i gauged my actions, thoughts and words against the example of Jesus. i want to be like Him - loving, patient, generous, forgiving. and what is currently occupying my mind is who i am in Him -- the good, the bad and the in-between. i want to embrace the good, transform the bad and adjust the in-between to become the person He desires me to be.
lately, i've been 'battling' with the bad that to wants to surface - the selfishness, the attitude, the negative filter. when i am so wrapped up in myself and negative feelings, it's difficult to love, be patient, be generous and forgive. it's left me where i am now - feeling that my purpose is off-track, that my attitude is keeping me from who i can be, and that being a negative nellie is just no fun - for anyone!
tonight, i finally recognized the flaws in my attitude and acknowledged the need for change. there is no quick fix or simple answer to anything i've put out there all i can do is pray and be patient that God will bring about the changes in me. i've just felt 'off' for a little while now...but i have faith that He will bring me back to where i need to be.
may you all have a wonderful monday and a blessed week.

p.s. a song that touched my heart long ago...and again tonight.
Your love is all I have
it brings me to the floor
i can't ignore the way You make me feel
Your eyes are fixed on me
Your words will light my way
from day to day I will never need a thing
You're faithful to the end
You've let me know through every circumstance You will never leave my side
You're closer than my breath
You're always on my mind
and still there's room for more of You in my life
invade my very heart
change me until I am who You are
come and fashion me until every part is how You desire
those stains that covered me
they all have disappeared since You came near
You've made me like a child
now I see through Your eyes the way it ought to be
You're calling me to never compromise
invade my very heart
change me until I am who You are
come and fashion me until every part is how You desire

~'fashion' by jason morant~